Jane, this is full of so many wonderful nuggets I hardly know where to begin!

"Silence in pursuit of maintaining the peace or avoiding conflict only perpetuates the status quo." I'll use this as my foundation to answer your concluding question: "What defining leadership moments have you experienced?"

I was really young in my career, but I knew my supervisor was not treating everyone fairly. He was particularly suspicious and condescending to those in non-exempt positions vs. exempt positions. Now I know it was classism. One day in a staff meeting I asked him a very pointed question that made it obvious he was not telling the whole story to everyone about an issue. In my opinion he did not respect the opinions of those in non-exempt positions (and the issue was going to affect their jobs) so he didn't share it with them. I spoke up.

Later he came to my office and screamed at me, "Whose side are you on?" I answered that I didn't know there were sides. (I know he screamed because later people told me that they heard him down the hall.) He told me I would never be management material. I thought to myself that if treating people like they are beneath me is what it takes to be a manager, I would take my chances with treating them well.

To address your other concluding question: "What advice do you offer to others to be ready for theirs?" Be willing to be messy, to not be perfect. I might have made a rookie mistake by raising up this issue the way I did in a staff meeting, but at the same time I do not regret it. The fact that I raised it up ended up serving me very well over the following years with all involved. Not that that is a reason to do it, but in a way, you might as well be courageous. It might not turn out at badly as you think.

Another one of your points: "We’re hard-wired to want connection, and we aren’t normally inclined to accept the discomfort we feel so acutely when people don’t like us, especially when they’re not shy about letting that be known." I even write about this myself, a lot -- getting comfortable with your own discomfort and getting comfortable with making others uncomfortable. But wow. What you say is so true. We are hard-wired for connection. I still catch myself avoiding discomfort sometimes, and must examine my own discomfort and come to terms with my imperfection, and try to make it right when I've let myself down in this area.

Thank you Jane for another thought-provoking post. You said a lot about this complex topic in a succinct and useful way.