Hi, Mary - sorry I'm late commenting on this engaging post - been a little sick.

As usual, you throw a bright light on another slightly seamy side of being humans.

As I read your experience with that manager, I was reminded of all the times I have heard someone say some version of "What else could I do?", usually followed by some version of "They made me feel ......" (fill in with "mad", "hurt" or any other negative emotion).

This type of talking, thinking, and acting is indicative of a lack of emotional intelligence, especially the part where we identify the source of an emotion we are feeling.  The trick?:  It's always us.

Nobody else can make us feel anything.  Emotions are always an inside job and we ultimately choose how we will emotionally react to a situation.   This is not always a well-received idea, especially by those who prefer not to own their emotional reaction.

Your approach with your manager of helping him to consider the congruency (or lack thereof) between his actions and  his values was spot on.   I would bet he is a better manager today for having had this interaction with you:).

John