Jane, what I take away from your story is the knowledge that regardless of the cause of the distress you are in, you have courage and integrity enough to look in the mirror first, really listen to what is being said to you and search for meaning even when it is painful for you. That makes you a leader to be admired no matter what your transgressions.
And, no matter your findings and what you choose to do about them, while you no doubt have a share in the responsibility for how you got there, you didn’t take that journey all by yourself.  So remember to be kind to yourself.